It has been a long time since I have last posted as I have found it hard to write lately. Maybe it is the meds making my head all fuzzy or the endless stream of viruses I seem to pick up. I am giving myself a year to get well and to start training as a teacher or an early years professional. I start my children's literature course at the start of october and I am really excited as I will gain so much from it and be able to give so much back. I have an interview on monday for volunteer work, spending 3 hrs a week going into schools to support those children who find reading a challenge. I am really exited. I can't wait to do something worthwhile and to break out of the shell I put around myself. I am actually feeling like a normal human being. I am scared to but I don't want to stay where I am for the rest of my life. I want to move forward and achieve my goals. Hopefully next september I will be starting college. I need to make up my mind which course to do by december as all the places will be gone. I have some hard thinking to do. I would love to teach and education is extremely important to me but the question is whether I would feel confident to stand up in a class of 30 children to deliver a lesson however much I would like to. I think it would be really cool to teach the children history lessons on the greeks, the aztecs and the victorians as well as english. However I feel that I may be better suited to working with smaller groups of children in the 0 to 5 age. It is amazing to see young children. My neice Jess has learnt so much in the space of a year, to walk, to talk, to eat, to enjoy stories and play with other children. She loves to copy connor mainly. I love sharing a picture book to them both, watching their faces light up as they enjoy the story, pointing to the pictures. I love spending time with children, watching the unique way they see the world, full of hopes and dreams. I just need to make up my mind where to go from here.
Last night I was talking to Marc about how boring my life has become. So mundane, so predictable. All I seem to do is work, sleep, look after Connor. Marc suggested that I get a tatoo. I said no at first but then I seriously thought about it and it was a good idea. Something fun and impulsive. That I have never thought I would do.
So we went today. I wanted a butterfly at first but I couldn't see a design that I liked. Then I saw this bird in plain black ink. So simple, it was perfect. I was terrified while we waited, I didn't know what to expect but excited at the same time. Truth be told I almost chickened out while the lady was copying the tatoo on the paper. Marc made me go first perhaps he thought I wouldn't get mine done if I saw the artist doing his first. I decided to go with the shoulder rather than the ankle. It hurt less than I expected but it still stung quite a bit. I was glad Marc was there for moral support and a hand to grab on to. I am glad I went first because it seemed really painful on the wrist for him and there would have been no way I would have done it after seeing that.
I saw lots of other designs I liked. Maybe I will get a rose on my ankle next or go back and get some colours on my bird perhaps some blue around the wings.I really like my tatoo. It is a marking of the moment. I believe that the bird is a symbol of who I am. A reminder that I am me and that I must believe in myself. A bird has wings so soar above. A bird is free. This tatoo is a reminder that I can be too.
I finally crossed the finish line on Saturday after 6 years of hard work. There were moments when I was so close to giving up and I am so glad that I kept going despite how hard it was sometimes. My graduation was one of the most awesome experiences of my life. I got to dress up in nice new clothes and then report to robing and photography before taking my seat in the sympahny hall. I waited nervously while the higher degrees were awared and then they came to the first degrees. I could see the rows in front being ushered to the side of the stage. Before I knew it, it was my turn. While waiting an usher ajusted my gown and the line moved slowly forward. I handed my card to the announcer and my name was read out. I walked forward huge smile on my face and shook hands with one of the senior university officials. He asked me how long it took. Six years I replied. I walked off the stage to clapping and back to my seat. After the closing address, the officials on the stage filed out and then the graduates had to join on the end of the procession. Then I had to wait for my family.
Connor was so happy to see me, he rushed up to me and gave me a huge hug. Told me that when he saw me he was shouting 'well done mommy' really loud. He has been with me through this whole journey. A baby in my tummy when I first began. We went outside to the canalside which was realy beautiful and my dad took lots of pictures of Connor and me in my robe before I had to give it back. I finally got chance to look at my certificate on the way home. Six years of work down to one certificate. It is sitting in it's envelope but I want to frame it and put it on the wall alng with one of the official pictures. My mom will also hang one of me on the wall next to my sister and I will give one to my nan. I wished my grandad could have been here for this moment but sadly he died two years ago. He would have been so proud.
I have finally found what I have been searching for for so long. I have agonized about what I want to do with my life and now I have the answers. I have found my path, my passion in life. I will take my degree, my course in children's literature and some work experience with children and apply for a training course in Early Years Professional Status, working in nurseries to improve education for 0 to 5 year olds. I have my goal to work towards and am no longer drifting through life with no direction. I want to work with children but don't feel like I can stand up with 30 of them in a class. I always work better with smaller groups. Always have. Glad I saw this oportunity I never even knew existed. This new qualification that is perfect for me. To enable graduates to be trained in Early Years free and with a £5000 bursery to live off.
- Fish and chips on Whitby seafront. They are the best I have ever tasted.
- The anual fairground at Sheldon recreation ground.
- Ice cream cones with juice, bits and a flake.
- BBQ's.
- Summer holidays at the seaside. Feeling the sand in my toes and the waves splashing my feet.
- Vest tops, cut off jeans and flip flops.
- Feeling the warm sun on my arms.
- Eating tea outdoors in the garden.
- Letting the sun dry my hair so it goes all curly.
Today I had a lovely day with Connor. We went to the wacky warehouse and he had a lovely time in the indoor play area running off some of his never ending energy. Then we went nextdoor to the pub for a meal. It was a nice treat for us both. The strawberry cheesecake and ice cream was delicious. Connor set the good exaple by choosing apple slices for desert.We are going to the funfair on Sunday and it should be a great day. I am loving the extra time I get to spend with connor since it is half term this week. We have had a ot of fun together. I can't believe how time has flown. He has only a couple of months left in reception and then he moves into year one in september. He seems so grown up now and independant in so many ways. Life seems to be moving so fast.
Today I have managed to do very little. I have not managed to set up Connor's digital box. I have not managed to clean the kitchen or do the washing. I must at least do some clean shirts tonight or Con will have none for school. I have not managed to do any poetry which I need to do this week to give me time to reflect and show editing process before they are due. I have not managed to read any books as I am finding it hard to concentrate. All I have managed to do the last couple of days is sleep, for 5 hours while Connor is at school. It helps me to forget how useless I feel. I like my nice comfortable bed and wish I could stay there forever. I have one more day before I am back at work. I don't want to go. I don't want to face anyone. I want to hide from the world.
I am doing my best to stay positive but it is hard at the moment. I am feeling very ill and tired and it really doesn't help with the depression. I am in a lot of pain with a stomach inflamation, spending sunday in hospital and having to go back for tests soon. I hope it clears up as it is hard to bend and walk five minutes to take Connor to school. The pain seems to go right through me. I have to go to the doctor's tomorrow to get a note for work and more painkillers. I also have more tests to look forward too as I have found a lump in my breast. The doctor said it is likely to be a breast mouse but is sending me for tests to rule out the dreaded c word. My mind seems to have pictured the worst and I have realised I don't want to die. I want to be there for Connor each day. Watch him grow up and someday be a fireman. He has been so worried about me and has been extra loving. There is so much I want to do right now but I feel I am prevented from doing so by how I am feeling. Everything seems to be going wrong at once. I see no end in sight.
Sent off my registration to study Children's literature and excited about the possibilities my future may hold. Every morning when I wake up I tell myself to believe in myself, to hold my head high and not feel like a sub human. It actually seems to be working, this change in mindset, to embrace life in all its possibilities instead of wallowing in self pitty. Nothing will change if I make no effort to make it happen. My job, I am seeing in terms of a way to build my confidence and self esteem, using the oportunities it offers to talk to people and gain confidence and overcome this shyness. My team leader had me handing out leaflets in the street today. I was terrified. I did it and could happily do it again tomorrow as I know I had it in me to approach strangers to improve sales. Not something I thought I could do. I am seriously considering teaching and think that I would benefit from experience with children to make that happen. I have a plan to become involved in scouts to gain the experience and a way for me to feel alive and that I can make a difference.
I have no idea what I want to do with my life but I want more than this. I have my degree and I am stuck working in a shop. I want to do something useful and would like a job where I can make a difference in people's lives. I want to be able to do a job where I can help people. I have registered for a children's literature course to comliment my creative writing course. This could be my first steps towards being a teacher or children's librarian. I am not sure that I have the confdence to teach a class load of children though as I work better one on one. I am thinking about doing some voluntry work next year as well so I can gain practical experience of working with children. Perhaps at Connor's school or on a reading programme for those kids struggling or I could ask my aunt who works in a library. I know that I will love this course as reading is my passion. I especially love children's books and would love to share that joy with others. My ambition besides a career is to write a children's book and this will be useful too. Perhaps I am setting myself too many goals and will be depressed if I don't suceed. Perhaps I should wait but I have been doing this job for nearly 5 years now and I want more. It was only supposed to be for a while until I found something better. Maybe I will never get out and be stuck there for 32 years like my mom. I need to gain my confidence back. I need to stop daydreaming and start acting as I will never suceed.
